On forgiving your own limits

[razia]

So yesterday I woke up and decided, after a long week of thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons, to drop out of a Big Bang I was participating in. It's for one of my favorite fandoms, and I was writing about my most beloved OTP... and yet I couldn't bring myself to sit down and write, and the few times I managed, nothing that came out was something I was satisfied with.

Putting aside the important matter of ADHD and executive dysfunction for now, it took me some time and a good talk with some friends to realize that, only two months ago I wrote a whole 56k fic for another Big Bang in another fandom, and all those words were mostly written in a month, and I'm absolutely suffering from creative exhaustion. And still, it took me getting closer and closer to the deadline, and having my BB team asking for updates, and me spiraling down into anxiety, to realize that the problem is not that I'm lazy or incompetent; no, the problem is that, amidst a pandemic that's been going on for almost a year and a half, and after writing a shit ton of words in a small amount of time (I basically won NaNoWriMo, lol) I was obviously exhausted, both physical and mentally.

It speaks a lot to the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, that we need to almost burnout (or in some cases actually burnout for real) to realize that you need to dial back.

It hasn't been easy, dealing with the unwarranted guilt, the feeling that I've disappointed my BB team and the mods and myself. Thankfully they've been nice and understanding, and yet I feel like I failed. But I know I made the right decision because, despite feeling sad about the situation, I'm mostly relieved that I won't have to deal with all the negative feelings that the BB was giving me.

I still want to write my fic, and now I can do that without a deadline breathing down my neck (which is something I usually enjoy, but apparently only when my battery is at least at 75%)

Oof, feels good to get this off my chest. Not wanting to disappoint people is something I've been slowly learning how to deal with, especially since fandom is supposed to be fun in the first place, and sometimes we simply expect very unrealistic things of ourselves.

Comments

[vriddy]

Wow, kudos to you on multiple fronts here! Writing such a massive amount of words for one bang, and understanding your limits and dropping out. I really understand the guilt over possibly disappointing people, I deal with that a lot too.

I actually signed up for my first big bang this year and picked the lower possible tier (only 4-5k words, over many months) and I'm still finding it stressful 😂 I was talking about it with a friend who is new to these as well and we think it's because rather than just "deadlines" there's that feeling that people are waiting on you and it's a different kind of pressure. Lots of admiration for you managing to write something so long for such an event, and taking some time away to recover and refill your creativity well now sounds super wise!!

(Also... Hi! Dropping in from Pi's blog, haha)

[razia]

Thank you :D it wasn't the easiest decision, but once I made it the relief was instant, so I knew I was on the right track. Dealing with the fear of disappointing others is such an uphill battle 😩

Ooooh, mind if I ask which fandom it is? The one I dropped was for Bleach, and the one I finished was for Hades. One of the reasons the Hades bb was easier than the Bleach bb for me was that my artist for the Hades one is really cool, and after a few months of awkwardness, we both realized the deadline was getting closer and had to start scrambling to get things done. So we started talking a lot and exchanging ideas, and they offered to beta too, so in the end their support was invaluable to the size and the quality of the fic.

My Bleach bb team were perfectly pleasant people, but we clearly didn't hit it off, and I think that may have contributed to my being unhappy with it, cause then I didn't really have someone to talk to about it. (I'm one of those enthusiastic writers sending random plot bunnies to friends at 3 am hahaha)

(I recognized your name from Pi's posts xD )

[vriddy]

Sure thing! It's the Hawks Big Bang, for the BNHA character. It's cool you got along well with your Hades artist!! It's been... tough going with mine, most of my questions being answered with one or two words haha so I feel like my summary was more of a default than an actual choice 😂 Ah well, we're all trying your best. This kind of event must be so much fun when you hit it off with the other people you're paired with!! I guess I'm the opposite of you though, in that if I start talking about my ideas too much before writing them my brain goes "okay, story told" and then I lose all interest in actually writing it, heh. A delicate balance!!

It's cool to hear that Bleach is still an active fandom despite the manga and anime ending a few years ago :D And so cool your artist was able to contribute to the Hades story so much!!

[razia]

I was really lucky as far as artists go! I've been through four big bangs at this point, and they were the only one who was as into it as me. I feel you on the lukewarm responses, sometimes I'd wait days or even a full week before getting a "yeah sure". That really kills the mood xD

Y'know, I used to have that 'talking too much about story' too, but I guess I managed to find my balance in how much I tell. Hopefully you'll find yours soon!

Yeah, I'm honestly impressed that the Bleach fandom is lasting xD I don't go around all the ships, but the corner I haunt has some good movement in it still, and if it's up to me, I'll be writing them for a loooong time haha

[vriddy]

Oh, it's kind of encouraging to hear that the "talking about stories" thing might not be set in stone forever! I actually can brainstorm fairly nicely with a few people (though without going too much into the details) so I think it also depends on the attitude and expectations of the other person. I'll figure out how my brain works, eventually 😂

And yay, go Bleach fandom!! 🥳