Yoinked from moetushie

I thought it would be fun to take a broader look at what I've done this year. Besides, I'm always a sucker for talking about fic writing in general.

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(to anyone wondering: triplecrownofexchanges)

I failed on the first round of 3c because it took me too long to decide what to treat for FFFX, and when I finally did, depression hit me like a truck at 200 km/h. But this year I am determined

So nothing better than making my progress public to really kick me in the pants about it ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ (though this time I'm at least signed up, so the works will be done if it's the last thing I do)





Fic In A Box: Oof, FIAB is done! It was so much fun, much more than it was in 2020, first because I actually had the spoons to do the things I wanted, and second because the EAD discord is a lovely rambunctious place, and it's hard to be sad when everyone is being silly. I'm pretty satisfied with the things I created for this round :D Swapping little chunks of assignments is a really good idea, and I'm glad I took part in it, cause every time I got kinda tired of dealing with one assignment, I could just hop over to another one without feeling guilty for procrastinating.

The responses to my works have been very lovely as well (omg impostor syndrome, give it a break), and I can't wait to see who my creators are, because my gifts are so good ;_;

I might not participate in 3c next year (I wanna focus on my wips), but FIAB is absolutely on the list of exchanges to keep doing every year (￣∀￣)


Heart Attack: Oh man, HA was so fun this year. I joined the server really late last year and I was really shy about interacting with people, so I ended up not being part of the hype at all. But this year I caught it from the very beginning and it's super fun to share your fic woes while everyone screams alongside you at the tight deadline! Also the mod is a very sweet person who helped me when I needed <3

I knew I was gonna like my assignment, but I ended up loving the fic I wrote for it, and even though it was stressful, I wouldn't change anything xD Also, my recip loved the fic too, so win/win!

I'm probably not gonna participate in HA next year, because it takes a lot of energy and I'd like to use that energy for some WIPs I have lying around... unless there's a request that sparks an idea. Then I might consider it!

So yesterday I woke up and decided, after a long week of thinking about it and weighing the pros and cons, to drop out of a Big Bang I was participating in. It's for one of my favorite fandoms, and I was writing about my most beloved OTP... and yet I couldn't bring myself to sit down and write, and the few times I managed, nothing that came out was something I was satisfied with.

Putting aside the important matter of ADHD and executive dysfunction for now, it took me some time and a good talk with some friends to realize that, only two months ago I wrote a whole 56k fic for another Big Bang in another fandom, and all those words were mostly written in a month, and I'm absolutely suffering from creative exhaustion. And still, it took me getting closer and closer to the deadline, and having my BB team asking for updates, and me spiraling down into anxiety, to realize that the problem is not that I'm lazy or incompetent; no, the problem is that, amidst a pandemic that's been going on for almost a year and a half, and after writing a shit ton of words in a small amount of time (I basically won NaNoWriMo, lol) I was obviously exhausted, both physical and mentally.

It speaks a lot to the unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, that we need to almost burnout (or in some cases actually burnout for real) to realize that you need to dial back.

It hasn't been easy, dealing with the unwarranted guilt, the feeling that I've disappointed my BB team and the mods and myself. Thankfully they've been nice and understanding, and yet I feel like I failed. But I know I made the right decision because, despite feeling sad about the situation, I'm mostly relieved that I won't have to deal with all the negative feelings that the BB was giving me.

I still want to write my fic, and now I can do that without a deadline breathing down my neck (which is something I usually enjoy, but apparently only when my battery is at least at 75%)

Oof, feels good to get this off my chest. Not wanting to disappoint people is something I've been slowly learning how to deal with, especially since fandom is supposed to be fun in the first place, and sometimes we simply expect very unrealistic things of ourselves.